Why do we hesitate to tell people to butt out of our private business?
I did an internet search on nosiness:
- why are people nosy
- what makes people ask prying questions
- how to tell people their questions are inappropriate.
The last topic is the only one that scored any direct response. For the first two, the closest psychology behind folks who butt into our business and think nothing of their questions sounding like an inquisition centers around their self-absorption.
The last question hit a number of articles so if you’re in that spot, do a Google and read up. This article is about why regular humans are reluctant to say, “I’m not going to answer that question.” You don’t even have to add a because. It’s your right not to respond to impertinent people.
Open Books and closed mouths
I’m an open book in far too many ways. It’s not that I over share—you won’t scream TMI at me shortly after we meet. I’ll relate my experiences—it’s what writers do whether we focus on fiction or non-fiction—because we learn from each other. If something I’ve been through can help someone else, I should be willing to discuss it, correct? That’s one side of the coin, being a person who opens up and shares in order to benefit another.
People asking questions not from kindness or concern, but because they like to put people on the spot are bad. Those people puzzle me. Why do you think it is your business or your right to know what I’m going through?
What do you do with Nosy People Who
- Judge you.
- Tell you what to do.
- Insist that you’re wrong.
- Diminish what you’re going through.
- Drone on in their infinite wisdom and supreme opinions.
Different Kinds of Nosiness
The Jurists:
Once upon a time many years ago, I made a large life decision to get divorced. For various reasons, eventually I had to make this known at work. I dreaded it and was right to do so as Ms. Nebby proceeded to get into my business. Her meddlesomeness was ceaseless, unabashed, and judgmental. What I was doing was already difficult enough, her intense callousness was making it worse. As she asked the question I kept refusing to answer for the sixth time, I finally mustered my strength and said: “I really have no desire to discuss this with you.” She was completely offended but stopped hassling me.
The Instructors:
These are those folks who adamantly tell you what to do when you haven’t asked for their advice. Now, I admit that I am famous for saying, “You should…” but I usually follow those words with something outrageous like, “… totally paint your dining room red if that makes you happy.” The Instructors, though, are the ones who can spout off for half an hour telling you what to do, how to do it, and why they are brilliant to advise you to do it. If they have not walked the proverbial mile in my shoes, why do they think they are the authority on what I’m going through?
The Perfectionists:
Oh to the paragons who are the perfect humans. They, not subtly, state, “I’m right, you’re wrong, let me tell you how to correct yourself.” These are those folks who invariably know better how to do what you went to college for and have been doing for ten years. They don’t hesitate to point out the flaws and errors in your approach to the project/job/brain surgery because they watched a National Geographic episode that explained it all.
The Scoffers:
You burst with excitement to tell a coworker-friend that a wonderful thing has happened. The scoffer loiters nearby and waits for the perfect opportunity to interject with, “That’s not so great, I once…” You know the type. This person often crosses into the Perfectionist arena as they constantly work to one-up you and everyone else around them. I wonder how they have learned to excel to such extent when they never think anyone else knows anything.
And finally, The Tiraders of Nosiness
I debated about including these folks, but in the end decided that they do get into our business even without an invitation. These are the people who can launch themselves into a diatribe about any topic and speak non-stop for 15 to 45 minutes at a time. They are ignorantly unaware that their audience’s eyes have glazed over, they have been inching towards the door to escape, and that nothing being said is of the least value to the captive. Their dissertations can be corrective, demeaning, and utterly pointless. Yet there we are, stuck listening to them with no way to interject or cut off the stream of inane words.
Why do we put up with Nosy People
Why are these individuals put off when we assert ourselves and tell them to stop interfering in our lives?
People will talk about us, our choices, the things we do. But when they are in our business without invitation, how do we shut them down? When I was a teen and doing something out of the ordinary (for example, going to the junior prom with five guy friends), Mom asked: “Don’t you care what people think?” I answered: “People will talk about me my whole life, so I might as well do what I want.”
Can we learn how to disagree?
In my upbringing, we were not taught to deal with conflict. It’s not that the Griffiths are without flaw, but as a whole, we’re nice. We never witnessed our parents, Dad’s parents (we lived across the road from them), aunts and uncles (same road—lots of relatives), arguing. It just wasn’t done. I’m still trying to figure out if they were/are repressed or that conflict was something handled away from others, dealt with maturely as adults, and then moved on from. After all, it wasn’t until my thirties that I thought to ask my parents, “Didn’t you ever fight?” Mom burst out laughing, “We had whoppers. We simply didn’t think you kids needed to hear them.”
I both admire and resent this approach! Admire them for being adults around their children—at least most of the time—and resent that without hearing them argue and witness them make up, we missed the chance to learned how to disagree.
Learning to Disagree
Acquiring the skills to clash with others has been a lifelong process. Mine started at 31 when I told that co-worker that I would not discuss my divorce with her. It was empowering to know that I could speak those words and get a result. But my first response is to back away, let the person speak as they want, and not disagree with them. I can let a lot ripple off me while I assess the situation and decide is it best to confront them and speak my piece or simply purge them from my life?
If eliminating them from my world isn’t an option, then I opt to write out responses to their prying, practice the words, and be prepared for the next onslaught. I’m not always successful with this approach, but at least I am confident that I tried to do what was best for me without being harmful to another. When it is our private business we’re striving to protect, that confidence in self is sometimes the best outcome we can expect.
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Read next: Just call me DOTS–Defender of The Siblings
It’s a touchy subject for sure. I have learned to pick when to speak up and when to just let something slide. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed that about my approach, but it’s helped me be calmer. I do wish people would realize that we all have different motivators for doing/not doing things. We should strive to understand that before we pass judgment.
Sometimes more people need to MYOB! 🙂
It’s why I couldn’t be a journalist even though I love writing and love learning–I’m just not that prying person!
Same, here! I don’t like to ask too much. For example- if someone is obviously pregnant(you think) I wait until they talk about it before I say anything. Never want to pry! I have a client whose weight sits in the belly area and last spring someone kept insisting to me that she was pregnant and I knew she wasn’t. Just kept my mouth shut!
I have gotten the question, “Don’t you care what people will think?” a million times. No, well, I care if it will reflect badly upon the business, most recently, but otherwise, no. No, I do not care. For one, I know people think I am insane for having 5 dogs, but I love them and think they are better than kids. I am a slightly eccentric person, and I have accepted that. I know deep down my parents, and aunt are really proud of all I have done and envy the fact that I have always marched to the beat of my own drum. There was no telling me what to do, and if you did, you can be darn sure I was going to do the exact opposite! My parents stopped telling me what to do a long time ago. (I totally respect their opinions and they are the first people I go to when I have a problem.) I do have an issue with the M-I-L (mother in law) telling use we have to go to family events. That makes me not want to go just because I was told to. Like I said, my parents never MADE us do anything once we hit a certain age. I remember choosing to go to a homecoming dance instead of going to a wedding that the family was going to. And that was ok by them. MAJOR pet peeve of mine. I’m 34(as of next Friday) and its been almost 20 years since my parents let me make decisions about various things.
I think there is a big difference between over sharing and diminishing the importance of someone’s personal experience, and sharing to let them know you have been there and other people are going through the same trials.
(Excuse my rambling, I have never been very good at organized thoughts!)
Dawn, you make some GREAT comments here! As I know you, I can see that you would not be told what to do, but would think things through and make your own decisions. Of course I think you (and my brother/sis-in-law) are crazy for all the pets, but you have a good time with them and that’s all that counts. Besides, your “Things my dogs have destroyed” posts on Facebook are great entertainment!
You’re right about the difference between sharing/diminishing. Empathy is necessary, one-upmanship is not. Bravo for being a wise 34 year old!
I’m always afraid of offending someone. I am curious to hear other comments about this subject. There is one subject the people approach me on and I am getting better about shutting them down.