After being married and observing married people, here is marital advice from a non-authority to keep the union happy.
Before you get married, before you plan the wedding, write down all the reasons why you want to be married in the first place and why you want to marry this particular person.
When you get in an argument, share those lists with each other. Review and update the lists on your anniversary.
Get Divorced
If people understood how difficult and devastating emotionally—and often financially—divorce is, they would think more seriously about marriage. So, have a pretend divorce. Who gets what? Talk to people who are divorced. Accept their marital advice. Got a lawyer friend? Get a cost estimate.
Start with the End in Mind
If your goal is to be married for life, then take divorce out of the equation. Vow that every disagreement end in a solution for going forward, not a “get out” voiced by either of you.
Develop Common Interests
I’m a writer. I’m well-versed (pun intentional) in solitary pursuits and quite happy with them. My husband is not a reader. However, we both love traveling. Having a variety of things in common that you enjoy doing together is essential—even if it’s sitting in the same room with one of you reading A Year in the World by Frances Mayes and one of you watching the travel channel. Along with this tidbit of marital advice, here’s another: Develop separate interests.
Be Social Together
You’ll each have friends you bring to the marriage, but somewhere along the time, get friends together. Keep your world wide by always introducing new and unique people into it.
Agree on the Big things like Kids, Religion, and Pets
Politics, who cares? But kids—make sure you either both do or don’t want them. Religion—if you aren’t practicing the same beliefs, set rules on how you will support each other’s perspectives. Pets — dogs, cats, fish, birds, reptiles —which do you prefer and which are your absolute no-can-do critters.
Move
Okay, for me that’s actually meant relocating house and home multiple times, but I mean get physical—get up and get out of the house. Go for frequent walks, take up neighborhood bike riding or river canoeing. Do something, anything, but get moving and get into God’s great outdoors and breathe the awesome air together. Stroll, hike, heck toss a worm on a hook and go fishing, but enjoy the sunshine as a couple.
Drinking in that Vitamin D together will go a long way toward keeping you whole for a long time.
Keep Laughing
Have go-to humor on hand for when things get too serious. It could be classic films like Young Frankenstein, or childhood-loved TV shows like The Three Stooges, or—who can resist laughing with the little girl in Monsters, Inc.? It could be comics. I’ll eternally be a fan of “Calvin & Hobbes” and “Garfield.” Maybe for you it’s a comedian who is always sure to make the two of you chuckle.
Husband and I spent brisk autumn nights binge watching Doc Martin and laughing our behinds off. Sharing laughter, you develop inside jokes and aren’t they a great way to keep you side by side?
Have a Place you Always Enjoy Visiting
For us, a short road trip to Washington, D.C. is steadfastly perfect. History, adventure, beauty, great food … our nation’s capitol has it all. Including an easy metro system so you don’t have arguments about driving around in the hectic city. You might want to decide and agree on what to see before you get to your favorite place. If it’s anything like DC, the choices can be overwhelming.
Perhaps you’re lucky enough to have a place like the Clayton—Henry Clay Frick’s Pittsburgh mansion–in your city and you declare it a couple’s date to tour the opulent home each Christmas while its decked in holiday splendor.
Set Respect-Boundaries
Know how far you can each go expressing your opinions and feelings without crossing into the evil land of disrespect.
Realize, Always, That Marriage is Difficult
Living with another person is a challenge. No matter how joined-at-the-hip your union is, you are unique people. You were raised differently and life has formed you into distinct individuals. It is asking a lot to expect to always match up on every issue. Look at those dissimilar things as opportunities to broaden yourself instead of argue with your other half. In the end, you need to find ways for your marriage to win, not for you, as one, to defeat the other.
With friends in the newly married realm to friends married over forty years, I am looking forward to hearing what you will add, critique or debate with me about the above. I’m open. I want to learn from you, so comment away!
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Read: It’s Our Parents’ Fault
Hi Rose, i’m in my 20’s an in a relationship with the love of my life but the thing that scares me about marriage is the high level of divorce that exists! thanks for your great advice!
Glad that it is great advice for you, Noelle. It comes from many, many years of experience. Best of luck to you in your relationship!
I think most of this is really good advice. The one thing I would question is the suggestion that if you find out have difficult divorce is, you won’t do it. There are circumstances in which staying married can be more devastating than getting divorced.
I do agree, Ken. A very long time ago, I was married to someone else (newly married 2 years ago) and yep–there was no fixing what was broken at that time. It was what it was and parting ways was the only thing to do. Staying married would have been bad for both of us. Thank you for adding that.
Often I wonder about what a successful marriage entails–but that no one shares. So far, I’m certain that putting as more effort into the marriage as they do into the wedding day must be on the list. I really like the divorce suggestion you made, and I was hoping you would mention the prenuptial agreement.
You are so spot on about the effort going into a wedding day while the actual work of being married is sometimes forgotten. I continue to observe some fundamentals in happy marriages: respect, humor and compatible spiritual beliefs.
For someone never married but absolutely sure I will be, this is a great post to digest. Thanks.
Thanks, Tim, I have heard that from a few of my Millennial friends!
Ah such wise advice:) I truly do hope that some young couples will read and use this. Marriage isn’t for divas…it’s work and compromise and giving each other lots of space, right? But you covered all that and beautifully!
Jacquie, that sounds like another great blog title: Marriage is not for Divas!
HI Rose – excellent advice. I will have been married 48 years this month and there have been rocky times for sure. But while I didn’t have a list as you stated at the beginning (super idea), when the going got rough I always returned to the reason for marrying – I was crazy about my husband. That was always enough to keep going.
Congratulations on the 48 years! That’s a huge accomplishment and I hope you have a celebration planned. All relationships/friendships have rocky times (even sisters–read “The Saga of the Incredibly Skinny Levis” to see what I mean), but when we are concentrating on the goal–staying married–perhaps it becomes easier to get through those challenges. Too many people readily give up.
Love that you are still crazy about your husband!
All good advice, my dear. Husband and I need to work on the “social” part of it….we tend to be recluse/homebodies!
Ah, but the two of you make staying at home grand fun!