Is the art of listening dying?
Are the relationships too many people have with their notebooks and cell phones (same thing?) ruining the mastery of conversation—taking the place of interactions between humans?
How often have you been in a park, out to dinner, or even visiting with a friend and seen them as well as other people busy with their devices instead of talking to each other? In a nice restaurant not that long ago, I watched a mother and adult daughter sit through an entire meal without speaking to each other. Both had their phones on the table and ate while non-stop scrolling and tapping them.
We can’t blame the Millennials for what’s going on with us and technology, every generation has some guilt in putting cyber connections ahead of face-to-face ones. before people.
Talking on the Phone is Difficult for Me
Without seeing the person’s face, it’s difficult to judge how the chat is proceeding or when it should be their turn/my turn to talk. There is some stumbling and, “Oh, sorry you go ahead,” being said. But we are talking, using our words, not holding the phone with dead, empty air on either side of the line.
As a writer, I like exchanging emails because it’s as close to an in-person discussion as I feel I can get—I update you, you update me. Each listens to the other as we read the words on the page and then respond. When we receive an email or letter (One friend in another state resurrected the art of the birthday letter some years ago—what a gift!), we immerse ourselves in that person for the time it takes to read. When we know the friend well, we hear their voice in the words, we visualize their facial nuances in our mind’s eye, dow what their laughter looks like on their face.
For me, that is sometimes harder on the phone, which is a technical distraction.
More tech
Because phones are no longer tethered to the walls, we can be doing any number of other tasks while having a conversation. We can drive (such a bad idea), cook, clean, weed, shop, check out (rude to the cashier) … even (gross) use the bathroom, while chatting away with our friends. I do pretty well with my siblings, Jackie, Joey, and Joanne (Yes, three J’s and one R—another reason I felt different growing up—but that’s another blog!) on the phone, but I think that has to do with knowing—at least two of them, oh young sister—for fifty plus years.
Aren’t those activities a distraction and disservice to your friendships? Would you do those chores if they were sitting in your living room with you? I had a girlfriend visit who was in the throes of a new relationship. Instead of giving our limited time her undivided attention, she responded to every one of the very many texts from the beau, who knew we were together. Rude on both their parts and a step toward the death of listening, of being in the moment, by my friend.
I once had a boyfriend who lived in Germany. One weekend, I was at my parents’ helping Dad with an outside project. Mom opened the front door, “He’s calling.” My response, “I’m busy. He knows I’m busy.” “But he’s calling from Germany.” “I told him I would be busy, if you want to talk to him, go ahead.” Being me, I later relayed to him Mom’s determination to interrupt me, both admonishing him to listen when I say I won’t answer the phone and making him laugh at this redhead’s sheer stubborn ability to keep her word.
The Art of Conversing
Helen, a dear neighbor and friend in Red Lodge, Montana, was the first friend to show me the art of a good conversation. To all the people who have and who do bless my life with great conversation, don’t take affront with me singling her out. There was something about a conversation with Helen, forty years my senior, that made me aware that having a good discussion is a skill that can be learned and should be taught.
My beloved Helen passed away some years ago. I yearn for her homemade crescent rolls, percolator coffee, and good visits in her sunny kitchen. Helen had the knack for asking the right questions at the right time, in the right manner. It’s a talent, this making an inquiry, waiting for and listening to the answer, and asking a follow up question. It has to be done with a finesse that doesn’t make the asker sound like a journalist or worse, an inquisitor.
Good conversationalists aren’t the people who ask questions in rapid-fire sequence so you never have time to answer. You know those folks. They’ll ask a question, you’ll start to answer and boom, boom, boom, three more questions come landing at you with the precision of wildly shot mortars. Nor are the good ones those people who ask and then say uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, as they impatiently wait to add their statement, focusing on what they say next, not on your response. They avoid delving into the reason behind your revelation of something perhaps deeply personal, and rather, state how they are experiencing the same feelings, thus moving the supposed heart-to-heart from you to them.
You never get to finish your thoughts.
Not interrupting a person is another key ingredient of conversation. Interrupting, the same as when you are chronically late for meetings or get togethers, tells the other person that they are not important, what they are saying is not as critical as what you have to say. You aren’t listening to learn, but listening to be heard.
If you find it truly necessary to interject, the next polite step is to say, “Sorry, you were saying …” and get the other person back on track.
What does it take to be a good listener?
- Being in the present with another.
- Not doing the impossible of multi-tasking—talking and oh say, paying bills.
- Refraining from preparing your next statement while the other person is still speaking.
- Deciding if what you have to say is something you want desperately to articulate to anyone in general for the sake of saying it or if it adds specifically to the current topic.
Jackie and I will often trade the lead on phone calls, chattering away until one of us realizes we’ve dominated the talk and says, “Enough about me, let’s talk about you.” Of course, being sisters, there are times one has said to the other, “Enough about you, let’s talk about me.”
During my last trip to Red Lodge, I had two face-to-face times with girlfriends I hadn’t seen for two years. Oh the joy! Food, friendship, a leisurely lunch or an evening in Jackie’s visitor’s haven—the cozy Nest. Ours was winding, arbitrary, undistracted dialogue interspersed with enthusiastic bouts of laughter. It was listening done by each person, responses to conversation … it was truly being with in the present.
Soul rejuvenation.
On our three trips to Wales, Jackie and I repeatedly witnessed people being in the here and now with each other. Not that the tech-interruptions aren’t occurring, I’m sure they are, but what we saw time and again were people conversing and enjoying each other. Even as we tried to take advantage of wifi whenever we could to stay in touch with spouses, we realized that our heads-down-at-our-phones was the exception to what was going on, it was not the rule.
What happens to us when you’re immersed in a culture that is immersed in the moment is that you relax into being with them to soaking in the atmosphere, listening to the lift and lilt of your language being spoken with a whole new twist.
Yes, soul rejuvenating to be sure.
Good discourse revives me. Listening intently to the speaker, choosing to say what’s on my mind when it fits the moment, being there with a friend. When I take the time to focus on the present, to listen without an agenda, my life is greatly enriched. Do you find that to be your best version of listening?
What do you think makes a good conversation? A good conversationalist?
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*Expanded from a previous post – I keep learning more about how to be a good conversationalist.
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Read: Finding Joy
Good conversations involve give and take, and often, we are prone to simply info dumping at each other rather than truly exchanging and building on what the other person said. Mr. Chaos was a great conversationalist, and that is probably one reason I stayed with him longer than I should have. Now that I’ve been doing some subbing, I am reminded how much practice it takes to get students to be able to engage in true class discussions. They like to make quips due to how they all communicate on SnapChat and the like, but they are largely clueless how to engage in conversation. Also, the whole cell phones out while eating drives me batty. My ex and I agreed at one point to not do so. Mr. Chaos sort of would, but I’m sure the expression my face was what got him to put the device away more than once. It’s sad too that a school I was in this Friday has a way more lax policy with cell phones. It made being in that particular classroom much less pleasant. I’m all for putting a phone in a clear plastic sleeve hanging on the wall from bell to bell. Be present!
I have been wondering how schools handle the cell phone issue and like the idea of them being put away. It’s crazy to let kids hold onto them during class.
The only time I don’t mind Alex having his cell phone out is if it is during his work hours and someone may want to reach him. Luckily, he rarely sets it on the table–usually keeping it in his pocket until it rings.
Jeri, are classes being taught in communication these days? Like how to hold a conversation? I’m not joking–it has to be necessary by now with the various shortened, tech ways of “talking” with one another.
Excellent topic, Rose. I love Toastmasters, because it not only teaches us how to be better speakers, it teaches us how to be better listeners.
I think I’ve mentioned this to you in a previous comment on another post., but I’ve just lost a longterm friendship because I could no longer tolerate the way my friend never listens to what I am saying. She talks and complains and never listens. To me, that is not meaningful friendship.
Thanks, Doreen. I didn’t know/realize that about Toastmasters, so it’s good to hear.
I’m sorry that a friendship had to end for that reason. I never understand the non-listeners and the ones who talk non-stop for twenty minutes, end the meeting and then remark: “It was nice to catch up with you.” Huh?
There are so many wonderful people we can spend time with!
I to, as an author, listen to conversations. I wonder how many subconsciously, end up in my novels?
I think we store a great deal of those conversations, William, and later blurt them out on the page.
I prefer communicating by email to talking on the phone because the ‘asymmetry’ of email allows me to think about a communication, and think about it some more, and then craft an appropriate response; in contrast, I run the risk of blurting out something untoward in a phone call, and I would really rather not do that. Some may regard “think before you speak” as a cliché of sorts but I try to live by it as often as I can.
One more point: I don’t own an iPad, and anyone out there who thinks I should trade in my desktop iMac, with its 20″ screen, for a small book-type object is clearly in need of psychiatric help.
Thinking before we speak or write, is good advice for all of us, Andy. You’re wise to approach life that way.
People don’t listen as much as they used to. We were given 2 ears and one mouth for a reason. It’s too bad that people seem to have forgotten that.
Right on, Jason. We would have better conversations if we remembered that once in a while, eh?
Rose, this is so true – the art of conversation is lost and how we can bring it back is something I sure don’t have the answer to. The scary part is that as conversation disappears, so do our chances of learning anything new or interesting.
Sometimes we see young people in coffee shops and both of them are texting away – we always wonder if they’re texting each other and that’s the only way they know to communicate.
As for that treasured letter, that is a thing of the past. What a shame.
I have taken any number of “spy” photos of people from the USA to Europe where they are at dinner/coffee and not talking, but each on their phones. I don’t get it at all. It’s a total puzzle to me how people can not be present in the moment.
My Dad was a big one for continually learning–he conquered computers at sixty-something and knew more about some aspects than I ever will. This, after a career with Bethlehem Steel. I want to always learn and yep–that sure means listening more.
I love that you use the word “seester”!
I totally agree that you can have a conversation over the telephone without paying much attention. The person on the other end does not know that you are updating your FB/Twitter/LinkedIn page or watching a programme on TV.
I like to read people, watch their body language. I would prefer to see when a person’s eyes are glazing over and wrap up the conversation if need be.
“Seester” and YRA (your right arm) are the monikers we exchange with each other, Phoenicia. Fun.
I’m with you on the reading of people–and hope like heck I’m not making their eyes glaze over!
We do so much multi-tasking these days and in such a hurry to get something else done that we rarely give our full attention to listening to someone else. Your tips on how to be a good listener are bang on.
Thanks, Donna. I’m going to practice these tips more myself!
Great post, Rose! I too feel that listening has become difficult for all of us. I would get annoyed when someone would be doing something else while I was talking to them. For example, my mother would start saying aha, yeah, etc… whenever she was busy doing something else. When that would happen, I would say, OK – it sounds like you are busy, I will let you go. I actually prefer face to face conversations. But, everyone is so busy these days. It’s hard to get together. And, when we do get together, we don’t have time to really talk. It usually becomes small talk. Thanks for sharing your tips.
Good point, Sabrina. I have a couple of people who will do the distracted-listening thing on the phone. Like you, I usually say: call me back when you’re not busy.
Face to face changes everything!
That said, I have to add that with the delightful people in the BHB group, I feel like I am getting to know you and have not yet spoken on the phone to anyone! Is that because we are all writers? Hm…to ponder!
Nobody listens anymore Rose. Certainly not 100%. Their noses are too buried in their phones and ipads. Young people have lost the art of conversation all together. Not only do they not call each other on the phone, when they text the don’t even use complete words, much less write an actual letter. Conversation is lost im afraid.
Wonder what we can do to get the conversations going again, Susan. It makes me sad that face to face doesn’t happen with the same focus that it used to. What is out there, electronically, that is so much more important? It puzzles me to no end.
I found this great quote about listening. Don’t know who said it but…
“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know…but if you listen, you may learn something new.”
That is completely true, Ken. It’s a reason I love conversations–and yes, sometimes I eavesdrop and learn things that make me say: Hm, I hadn’t thought about that.
First requirement for being a good listener? You can’t talk all the time because you you aren’t going to hear anything if you never stop talking.
A Bridge tournament was taking place at a hotel we stayed at a week ago. Three players were having breakfast next to us. One woman talked non-stop for 15 minutes. Non-stop. She covered so many topics I lost count. She didn’t hear anything going on around her!
Love this post! Such an important art. Communication, really the true meat of lasting healthy relationships.
I will say that riding in a car for communication is one of my favorite places though, but that could be from fairly recently being a mother of teenagers. The car is when you can talk to them and they can’t escape or run away from the conversation. Long drives of time for them to relax and actually open up.
One thing I would like to add is that when listening to someone, don’t just listen to the words they are saying, but try to remember that person and what they are really trying to convey with their statement, not just the exact words they are saying. None of us are perfect in saying what we mean in a manner that others will understand it, it takes two people invested in a conversation for it to truly work.
I love when I talk to my best friend and sometimes we take turns talking and taking part in the conversations. Sometimes one of us really needs to just verbally void ourselves of frustrations or confusions, then the other gets to listen and just support the other.
I like the idea of trapping your kids in the car in order to get them to converse! When my niece and nephew were teens, we’d hang out together then my sister would call me to find out what was going on with her kids. Yep, they talked more to the Cool Aunt (ha ha). Jenny and Adam–no worries, I never betrayed a secret!
I love when Seester and I talk and finish each other’s sentences. Talk about being on the same wave length.
I totally agree. I have this big idea that when we have our family Christmas gathering I am going to pass around a basket and ask everyone to put their cell phones in it. Then, we could be allowed to check our phones at the top of every hour, but only for 10 minutes. That way there is at least 50 minutes of uninterrupted family time! Oh, and you have one 15 minute opportunity for family photos….that’s it!
Great idea, Dar. Hey–when you visited last week, neither of our phones were to be seen, were they? I didn’t even think about it because I was in the moment with you!
Interesting topic. I will opt for conversation first. I find that hearing the way people talk easier in determining what they are trying to say. Body language even better. There is some data to suggest that we are losing our ability to empathize, due to our lack of face to face conversations. In other words, we are losing the art of reading expressions. I find this to be more true now than ever before!
I agree that losing the art of reading expressions is happening, Jacquie. In a business environment, won’t this make it hard for people to do sales? They communicate electronically and on the phone, then when they are facing a client–they will have no idea how to read their engagement. Yikes.
Let alone our friendships.
Rose, you are a great conversationalist! I’m probably not the best at it because I talk a LOT and can talk about anything! I started talking in full sentences when I was under a year old, and really haven’t stopped. I find that I have problems asking people questions without coming across as (I’m going to use a Pgh word,) nebby! I don’t want people, particularly clients, to feel like they are being interrogated! I have really been working on it, but am always welcome to suggestions! I would also like to thank you for being a great listener, especially the past few days, because I have had much to rant about!
Thank you for such a great compliment, Dawn! I truly look forward to my hair appointments because you are such fun. You live in a tiny little town and you have a great big life. I always love hearing what is going on and what is new–especially your Make a Wish things. What a great thing to do. I totally get the “nebby” thing. In high school I studied journalism–for a whole semester. I couldn’t be that person–asking questions and prying, etc. I get what you’re saying.
Good post.
“Blog subscribers make the world go around.” Wow! I am part of the motive force of the world. I am one powerful individual. 🙂
But of course, Jim! Hope all is well in your part of the State.
I love that you and your sister can say enough about you lets talk about me! That’s funny. 🙂 but don’t you just hate those people who only want to talk about themselves? I had a hypochondriac aunt who wanted to dominate every conversation with her supposed health problems and how she almost died yesterday. This was her conversation in her DAILY phone call and you couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Not a good conversation and one which we all dreaded.
Feel free to try that phrase out on a friend or two, Susan.
Gosh yes with folks who want to talk only about the negative stuff. Or the ones that dominant the entire conversation and then say, “It was great catching up with you.” Eh?
People are endlessly funny, aren’t we?
Yes, my dear friend did invent that phrase years ago and I use it often in both ways! Hmmm…..guess I’m not a good conversationalist as I have been sitting here for 5 minutes with nothing else to add! Hahaha!
Seester, you are warped! You are some of the best talks and chats I ever have. Always!
I love great conversation! I’m not much for small talk, I prefer big talk! Curiosity drives a great conversation, I think. If I have an opinion, particularly a strong one, I want to hear other opinions on the same topic! It’s wonderful to have that person who can say “Enough about you, now let’s talk about me.” I love that the most!
Hey–I love that phrase, Jacqui–“big talk!” Why don’t we say that more? You are so right, about it, too. I’m bad at small talk. I want to dive in, beyond the “what do you do for a living” and find out how are you and who are you.
Ha to the enough-about phrase. I think Seester and a grade school friend of hers invented that!