I cringe when I utter the words, “You/I should.”
The problem is my frequent spewing the nasty, six letter word, should. Often, in my enthusiasm to share what popped into my head, I’ll spout, “We should plan our trip to Wales.”
Still, the holding forth of the should is a habit I’m working to break.
After reading Michelle Monet’s hilarious piece, I thought, “I should finish my post about hating should.” Misery loves company and fun writing attracts fun writing, right?
So, sigh, should I…
It doesn’t matter if my, should is something fun like, “Yes, you should research beachside cottages in Wales in June.” A positive should is still me inflicting a thing—my opinion—on myself and likely someone else, in this case, Older Sister.
When I tell myself I should, the words are followed by some new responsibility I feel obligated to even though it isn’t in my heart.
I should accept that networking invitation even though it’s the wrong crowd for my goals. Going would get me out of the house, have me meeting new people. As a writer, I spend a great deal of time in silent solitariness. Being around people is necessary for my well being—and fodder for stories. Still, networking? Yech. Isn’t that much more pleasant done on Medium or Twitter or LinkedIn? Cybernetworking and sharing works for me. You don’t have to shake hands with people while trying to hold a cup of coffee and morning pastry.
I try to heed Ruskin’s words often skip those obligatory should-invitations. “We were not sent into this world to do anything into which we cannot put our hearts.” John Ruskin
I wonder if he endured endless, mindless small talk at networking events or took his own advice to stay home and write.
The Should/Shouldn’t of others
I’m suggestible so when someone says to me, “you should,” I stop to consider their advice. Unless it’s, “You should jump off a bridge,” then I ignore them even if a bungee cord is involved in the plunge. As I have worked to alleviate you should from my coffers of advice, I become more attuned to how often you—arbitrary you—tell me I should do this or that. If you state a casual, “You should join me for a walk on Saturday,” I listen. I love walking, it’s deep autumn and lovely outside. Hmmm, perhaps I will.
However, when you pressure me with a, “You should take that writing class via Yahoo groups,” I cringe in pain. I’ve tried Yahoo groups, as I explain, and hated the experience. But you, in your superiority, pressure me to should, should, should. Most likely, I block you from my beloved Medium-Twitter-LinkedIn. The pressure of these conversations is, alas, too much.
Defining the words
Loving words in their purity, I turn to my 1995 edition of Webster’s II New College Dictionary. Okay, aside here. I am howling. “New College?” I’ve carted this tome around with me since 1996 and graduated college in 1981. New? What was I thinking?
Okay, back on tangent.
This dear book defines should, as used to express:
1. duty or obligation
2. probability or expectation.
3. conditionality or contingency, and
4. Used to moderate the directness or bluntness of a statement.
I dwell in the land of number four.
That was fun—isn’t it always refreshing to read the dictionary? Oh, what? That’s just me. Ahem. The fun part is realizing the past tense of should is shall. I love the word shall. Want to learn what I learned?
Okay, here it is:
Shall:
1. Used to indicate simple futurity. (Doesn’t that sound lovely?)
2. Used to express:
a. Determination or promise. (“We shall overcome.” MLK, Jr.)
b. Inevitability.
c. Command.
d. A directive or requirement.
3. Archaic (but I’m loving this) a. To be able to. b. To have to: must.
Ought to, feels like a more demanding version of should. When I utter to myself, I ought to do that, I’m drawing an imperative onto myself. “I ought to make sure I walk five miles today.” Those words are more apt to see me completing that mileage than if I say, “I should walk five miles.” Should is wimpy.
Stating, “I shall travel to Wales,” tells me the trip is in the works, that I’ve begun planning one of my favorite adventures. It’s positive, forward thinking, exposing pending excitement. Saying, “I should travel to Wales next year,” places it in the realm of vague possibility.
Dealing with me
No matter how I explain it, define it, or or slice and dice it, when I bring should into the equation, I’m imposing my opinion on whatever the it is.
My advice, should I impose upon you, is to throw the idea back at me, “Really? Should I? Is it in my heart?” Then you should begin laughing really, really loudly.
How about letting me know if how many times you “should” in a day and what happens when you eliminate the word from your speech?
**
Read: Epithets and Epitaphs
‘Should’ is the voice in my head- the critical questioning one- I hear it quite a lot.It is the voice of conformity, of authority, quite often it sounds like my mothers’ voice-( we didn’t have a great relationship).I am training myself to replace should with could. I could do that but I may choose not to
I like that sentence, Sonia: “I could do xxx, but I may choose not to.” That’s a good one to keep in my own head when I start “shoulding” myself.
Welcome to my blog!
I try to take note of the shoulds I utter that start to cluster around a certain activity. I should do this… but then I never do. For a long time, my constant should was wanting to join writing groups. I finally went out and joined a handful and I am so glad I did and turned my should into and “I did.”
Good point of view, Jeri. I have tried to join a couple of writing groups, but so far it hasn’t worked out. Timing was off or personalities…I’m glad to hear that they work for you. I do have some brutal-critique folks in my life. Thank goodness.
Lighten up, Rose, you’re being too hard on yourself. Some shoulds are A-OK: some are even desirable. For example, suppose you were to come up to me and say, “There’s a new Indian restaurant in town, and I was there a few days ago for its all-you-can-eat lunch buffet, and it was totally awesome, and you should definitely go check it out.” Not only would I not be offended by you ‘inflicting’ such an opinion on me, but I would want you to do just that.
Gotcha’ Andy, and that’s a good example. But, sigh, the folks who know me in person would probably say, “Rose shoulds me a lot!” HA!
I don’t know how often I use the word should. I am going to watch for it now and hope it doesn’t come out. I don’t like hearing the word used at me and I believe everyone has to follow their own heart. However, I do know I use the word a lot in my head directed at myself. I am going to watch for that too and ask “is it in my heart?” I suspect sometimes it will be, but not always.
I like two key things you said, Donna. 1. “Used at me”–ouch is that ever a good one. and 2. “Is It in my heart?” What a great question to ask as I hear “should” in my head again and again. Let me know if you lessen saying it to yourself–I’m trying!
I don’t know if I say should when it comes to others but I do know I say ‘we should’ a lot – guess it’s time to change. I’m going to be watching myself now to see if I do tell others they should.
Interesting post Rose. I know we used to take in special needs foster kids and one of the big ‘correct’ speech things at the time was to say ‘ you/we need’ to do this or that, which isn’t that far off from ‘should’ when you stop to think about.
Lenie, I just responded to Erica’s comment with the “want/need” being more powerful than “should,” but you raise a provocative question–am I saying I need to do xxx because of an intrinsic need (I need to be more kind) or because someone else is making me feel pressured to do a thing (I need to go to xx’s party or she’ll be mad even though it’s Tupperware and I don’t need any)? Ew, more to think about!
Hi Rose. I don’t think I say ‘should’ too often. I learned (from living with my husband) that some people are super-sensitive and don’t like being told (or implied) what they should do. I intentionally try to use more neutral language that puts forth suggestions gently as opposed to making it an instruction.
Sounds like loving politics, Doreen–which is a good thing. I like the word “gently” and will look toward this approach the next time I spew out a “should” to someone!
I’m right with you about bungee jumping. You bring up an interesting point. How often are we really doing things because we should and denying ourselves what we want? Definitely something to think about.
Yes, Erica, I see the “shoulds” interfering with the wants & needs too often. It’s interesting re-wording, too. If I switch it from, “I should do xxx,” to “I want to do xxx,” it becomes more powerful. Everyone’s comments are really helping me think this through even more!
I don’t mind using “should”, even when I write. If the majority of people use it in a sentence, then it is proper to use in writing as well as in everyday speech.
As far as I am concerned, Human Beings are in charge of language, not the other way around.
Interesting perspective, William.
Nothing is less likely to convince me to to do something than to tell me “you should.”
I agree, Ken. My resistance gene kicks into full gear. Another reason I NEED (not should) to stop using the word!
Great post, Rose! I don’t like the word “should” either and tend to not use it. But, when I do use it, it is usually when I don’t feel well and am tired. I tend to stay away from this word because it is not an action word like other words like “for now” I prefer to make time and schedule tasks not think to much about what needs to be done. The “for now” statement is my issue. Over the years, I had several clients and family members say, “I will put this here, for now.” And, after weeks and even months, the items never were returned to their home. I think if you use the word “should” you really don’t want to do the task. So, be true to yourself and figure out why you don’t want to do it and reevaluate. Thanks for sharing.
Good one with “for now,” Sabrina. I like that even less than “should.” It is so temporary and usually means I’m being lazy about something. You’re right that we do those stop over things and they end up being permanent.
Oh no! I already said it this morning! I’m going to keep track…..and stop saying it and just doing it!
HA! And you’re the one who made me so aware that I say this! That’s funny, Seester.
This really hit home for me me… I think I am guilty of the same thing:) I really don’t want to impose my opinion on someone else, unless they ask, of course. So this is a gentle reminder that maybe my ideas aren’t always the best ones.
Jacquie, it usually flies out of my mouth before I’m aware of it…a friend says da-da-da and I say, “oh, you should…” I’m lucky that most of the time they ignore me or laugh. Both are good.
I’m ready to start doing and stop “should-ing”.
Me, too, Jenny. Let’s urge each other on!
When I catch myself saying “you should” I think wow, how bossy must I sound? Like I’m smarter and know what is best, Even if it is something, like you said, fun. And boy do I dislike it when people tell me what I “ought to do. . Lol. You’d think for that reason alone I’d be more careful about using that term.
You are right on with how I feel when I say it, Susan. Gosh, how the heck to help ourselves because we are so darned smart! 🙂